Daily regular borrriinnggg stuffs

Neighbour, girl and Christopher Nolan. 😑

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Exams, guys. 😑

That apart, I think I’ve run out of topics. From love to commode, I’ve touched upon every spectrum of life that seems worthy to be touched upon. Yeah, I haven’t written about crabs, or NASA’s ongoing endeavour to successfully pave the way for intergalactic meme exchanges, or GST, but you wouldn’t really care about those petty stuffs. I really don’t know what to write. At times, I want to write about neanderthals and slavery, but there’s no fun in that.

So let me shower upon you the daily regular monotonous stuffs of my life.

1. My neighbour lost his admit card. Almost.

Well, such things pretty regular when it comes to my neighbour. It is the first day of exam and he thinks, ‘oh well! There’s no reason why one should not have spring roll on the first day of his exam.’ So he goes to this little corner by the park, munches on some nice little spring rolls and while pulling his wallet out, loses the admit card. Two minutes later, all the spring in his life turns autumn brown. And then he darts around like a blind bee, wishing for x-ray vision or something. He is already late for the exam.

A shopkeeper shows him an MP’s secretary’s door, who writes vague orders on his writing pad, that supposedly allowed him to sit through the paper without being harassed by the examiner. Then he races upto the college with the speed of light, thus proving Einstein’s thoery wrong, and makes two rounds of college to find his room. He eventually gets in, and finishes the paper before everyone else. Adrenaline!

Later he finds his admit card posted on Facebook with a lost and found notice, with love reactions and all, and people praying for its safe return.

Happy Ending.

2. This girl is back with a bang.

She was pretty insignificant in std. 6. I mean they all are ugly little annoying things in std. 6. Look at Doctor, for example, even though she was never ugly – I mean even the ultrasound photos of her foetal form could inspire artists and cause world war 3 – she was pretty annoying. Like, remarkably annoying. And evil. Like, if she had a choice between a lifetime free coupon to Baskin-Robbins and watching us choke to death she would happily quit ice cream.

Anyway, this other girl I was talking about was kind of invisible, despite being my friend’s supposed girlfriend. Flat chest, single pony, plain features. And fast forward 8 years from then, and oh my heavens! I ran into her on instagram and found this short video. No it wasn’t sexual, it was just her expressions, and my pulmonary veins spasmed with the thud of a lifetime. My eyes bulged out with escape velocity and my jaw sank into earth and pine trees grew behind my molars and I was still not in my senses. My neighbour saw it too and he was impressed as well.

I texted my friend that he was the dumbest ass in the multiverse for leaving a beauty like her, to which he replied, “she friendzoned me. ”

O you poor thing!

I told this other friend of mine who was busy ogling his hot neighbour showering naked with lights on and so he didn’t pay attention. Later he told me she has been in a pretty great relationship for the last two years.

Tragedy.

3. I watched memento.

Christopher Nolan hands down is the most intelligent movie director of all time. He is so intelligent that when they were launching Cassini, they hid pirated copies of his movies inside, so that if aliens hit upon the vehicle, they do realise we are intelligent species.
So I watched memento and realised how awfully Bollywood had copied the theme from a south Indian copy of the movie. They just made it a romance-revenge drama, where it was the thriller of the century. I was mondblown at the end of the movie, turning and twisting in my bed like a poisoned dog. I googled and tried to understand the theory. It took me a while. Then, the Jio Guy saw the movie and he barged in last morning.

“Barbossa, what the fuck did I just watch!!?”

Fifteen minutes later, we were hunched over the notebook, trying to figure out the ending with the help of diagrams and flowcharts. We did a little research on anterograde amnesia and discussed all the perspectives and possible cases. It was like preparing a thesis. We even watched the movie, this time in a forward order, wondering if Leonard’s version was fabricated.

Another neighbour dropped in and seemed quite impressed with our nerdity. Or maybe he thought we were idiots. Anyway, he congratulated us for making such a deep contribution to the development of nation and exited. We couldn’t reach a concrete conclusion though.

Confused.

Gangs of Wasseypur Effect

My neighbor watched it…finally!!!!

Writing blogs when you are 4 days away from your exams is an Ongbak level stunt. At the same time, it’s secretly  exhilarating, like murdering your thickhead uncle who keeps dropping at your head monotonus career advices. I’m not that concerned this time though, and that’s the reason why I have been busy picking literary devices from a friend’s English assignment question yesterday. Euphemism is when you say I’d miss the boat instead of I’d flunk in exams. I’d study religiously for the next 4 days is a Hyperbole.

Anyways, I am writing this to tell you about my neighbor’s aka flatmate’s aka The Kota Guy’s latest stunt. He is the queer man you tell your grandkids about, his queer-ness queer-y enough to stretch their eyes wider than Kardashiyan butthole. After the date debacle, he’s sort of gone bonkers. I had been badgering him to watch Gangs of Wasseypur as there never was a gangster movie before or after, that has surpassed the swag pinnacle touched by this movie. I have never seen a gangster movie so gangster. I mean when people told me Godfather was the greatest gangster movie ever made, I watched it and later had to google why the fuck it was the greatest gangster movie. I mean the marriage scene lasted for probably half the movie. Dumb people. But when I saw Gangs of Wasseypur I was mindblown and speechless.  

But needless to say, my neighbor wasn’t convinced. He is the guy who keeps half a dozen movies in his phone but never watches them until they rust into flakes. And he is the guy who watches the whole movie forwarding and jumping scenes before watching it in one go. And he likes to give away spoilers of the movies he’s already watched. Basically, he is the guy you’d rather discuss integrals with. 

But boy a boy! Did he go nuts after watching Gangs of Wasseypur! All he has done since then is watched the movie on loop. He keeps singing Chi Cha Leather and Electric Piya all the time. He even practices Rajkumar Rao’s steps in isolation. 

“Barbossa, “he says, “people are so stupid. They travel to stupid places. I want to go to Bihar. ”

The other day he was asking me if I had a pistol or something in my cupboard. When I gave him a quizzical look, he shrugged his shoulders and said, 

“Biharis are dangerous people. ”

I took it as a compliment and decided not to ruin the respect the movie was fetching me. 

“I want to be a goon. “He said dreamily, as if he was wishing for candies. I wondered if I should shake him to reality. But then, I remembered Apple-philosophy and realized consciousness is complicated and realities can be warped and so I should probably not give a fuck. 

About Apple-philosophy? Well, if there’s a fruit philosophers love, it’s apple. Like a mad scientist’s poor cat, apples are the victims of thought experiments. So there’s a question – if an apple is consumed does it cease to be an apple? Now, it may seem like a child’s play, but if you look deeper, the question gets extremely bewildering. Aristotle is much like this 9 year old cousin of mine, who believes his shoes are actually dwarf cows. 

“What make it a shoe?” That little rug asked me when I told him it was a shoe and not a cow. Now I could have given him a little smack on the temple and he’d have agreed it was a shoe, but I chose to be a good influence and explained to him that cows have horns and a tail. 

“Just because my cow don’t have tail and horns don’t make it shoe. “He argued and ran away with his cow, I mean shoe. I was left puzzled. 

Is it a shoe, I wondered. Or it’s a cow? What do we call a cow who’s lost the tail and the horns? At what point does a cow stop being a cow? 

I never disturbed the kid again. 

Anyway, all my neighbors friends have watched the movie and they flock in the hall and rehearse profane dialogs. The scenes are discussed in great details, as if the movie is a central theme of their research paper. They keep interrogating their Bihari friends if they know gangsters. 

I wondered if I should cook up gangster stories and tell them but then it dawned upon me that I do care about exams and so I let them rot in their gangster debauchery and shifted my focus to agrarian expansion of early medieval India. 

 

Understanding History 

The relevance of it…

A distant relative of mine once came to see us. Slumped in my chair, he sipped tea and talked about stuffs I wouldn’t care about in centuries. My mother listened to him attentively, with harmonic nods, as if he was dispersing grains of wisdom into the open air. I went to him, wearing a photoshopped smile, and touched his feet. We began general conversations. After I told him I was studying History he asked me if I knew where Lord Hanuman belonged to. 

“A jungle. “I clenched my brows, not sure whether it was a real question. Then he threw at me a random Sanskrit shlok and asked me to decrypt it. I was blank as a barrel. 

“What are you studying history for? “He shook his head, and added, “if you don’t know about your own culture. ”

My mother gave me a glare of disappointment which said, “Didn’t I tell you to opt for science after X? ”
Now people, the very fundamental misconception among the ‘non-history people’ has to do with the meaning and composition of history. A basic, misconstrued assumption which has deceived people for generations is that history, heritage, theology and mythology are the same. A historian thus cannot entertain the luxury of not knowing the birthplace of Hanuman or translation of religious verses. A mechanical engineer might be excused for his ignorance on the intricacies of Hypertext Transfer Protocol, but a historian has no such impunity. 

What makes it a more relevant topic of discussion is the allpervasive nature of history. Everybody may not claim a knowledge of quantum mechanics but when it comes to history, everybody has something to say. We all are aware of some history, and that leads us to assume that we are well-informed and educated about our past. The nonhistory people would thus fight to death defending their versions without critically examining the aspects of their narratives. They form their opinions on the basis of whatsapp forwards and clickbaity articles. Drenched in chauvinism and nationalism, they aggressively defend the glory of their community even if history doesn’t agree with their notions. They base their thoughts on fables, epics, legends and claim that they are aware of history. The recent fuss over Padmavati and Taj Mahal are burning examples of misinterpretation and politicization of history by shrewed leaders and ignorant masses. Thus, as of today, it is of utmost importance to know what is history and what is not. 

History is not mythology. Some people will kill for Ram but his historicity is restricted to fables and tales. In the same way, Allah’s flying carpet is yet to find a scientific proof. These characters, for a historian, are mere characters who carry some hint of the past, of their creators. Religious texts thus only give a whiff of truth as they are gilded with exaggerated realities. Religious texts, as additional sources, might tell us about the societies that wrote them, they never contribute anything more of value. Historians are not interested in Gods and Goddesses, their interest is in humans. The motto that God Created Us is read in reverse by historians. We are not intrigued by Ram or Allah, we are intrigued by their creators – homo sapien sapiens. Thus, history is not what you see on Devlok at 8 pm on Epic, history is what you find in libraries, in those humongous tomes that come without photographs and are boring and monotonous as fuck. So please stop harassing your historian friends or relatives for not knowing where Hanuman came from. 

Another phrase that is often used by fringe groups is ‘our history’, which is wrong if by ‘our’ you don’t imply mankind. History cannot be owned by a faction. A heritage may belong to a community, history, however, is universal. It can be questioned, criticised and reinterpreted. The Achilleses of the past can be reconstructed as devils. History, unlike heritage, is not rigid or stagnant. It changes with time, it changes with lenses. Heritage is something you would be proud of; history is something you would learn from. Those who lay a claim over history are people who don’t know what history is. 

The recent heat over Padmavati is a burning example. People are brutally attacking the movie, saying it portrays Padmavati in a bad light and it distorts ‘history.’ Well, let us talk about the ‘history’ of Padmavati. To begin with, the historicity of Rani Padmavati is as clear as of Yeti the abominable Snowman. She first appears in a poem, as a fictional character, and remains invisible for a couple of centuries. Then, she is revived, as an epitome of sacrifice and valour, in the context of freedom movement. As for her existence, history doesn’t register it. Contemporary sources don’t mention such a queen and there’s no account that hint at such events. You are talking about distortion of history, but for that, it has to exist in the first place. Another attack is aimed at Ala-ud-din who has been deemed as the most evil soul of the millennium. Now that would be the distortion of ‘history’ because Ala-ud-din existed in the first place. 

Anyway, this growing tendency to see Muslims as villains is historically inaccurate and unfair. Their invasion is often portrayed as assault over ‘India’. When you are commenting on centuries old events and processes you have to keep in mind that these should not be viewed through the hubble of 21st century. The fact is that India and modern-day Hinduism never existed before 1900s. The subcontinent was a culmination of princely states who kept fighting among themselves. The religious philosophies were diverse and so were the people. The colors of nationalism are very fresh ones, so we have to look deeper. Once you eliminate the notion of ‘India’ it is easier to see things clearly. Medieval people fought for Glory and Gold and that drove them to uncharted lands. If they are resurrected they would probably not give a monkey’s fart about your nationalism. Muslims no more attacked us than we attacked Seleucus and others. Kushans came from China, Hunas from central Asia. Hunas were one of the groups to become Rajput later, and that is ‘historically’ accurate. (Consult B D Chattopadhyaya). 

So what I am trying to say is that as free citizens of a democratic nation, we should not encroach upon the freedom of others. If you have to form an opinion about history, read it and decide for yourself. Don’t pick up historical pieces from the speeches of politicians, for they are poisoned with hatred and evil. 

Me and Mosquito #just a rant

😑

Here I lay in my cold November bed, listening to a Sonu Kakkar song, wondering where those times went when words flew out my mind to the wicked white screen, when I wrote witty whirlwind stuffs and felt the sheer undiluted awe. Yeah, I just tried an alliteration here. 

As I punch onto the screen the words that don’t make sense and have never heard of coherency, a lone mosquito dances in front of my eyes. It’s about midnight and it’s quite lonely here. The only source of light is this wicked screen, with its charge dipping faster than Airtel shares after Jio explosion. 

My phone has been sick for some time now. It’s dying of senescence, like we all are. You see, I am trying to get philosophical here, but I can’t. I don’t know how to be philosophical without being borriinng. I’m out of words. This is just a rambling probably. I’m simply typing my ideas. Everything that’s going through my head. And actually, now I feel good. Wow. Wo! Umm..okay. Wait. I need to think something. 

Yeah, the mosquito. The mosquito is a female one, because it’s buzzing. I suppose female mosquitos buzz. I don’t know much about their anatomy or behavior. Doctor knows them quite well. She draws mosquito appendages in the last pages of her copy. Okay, that was made up. A lot of things I say about Doctor are made up. But the imaginations still have their root in realities. Okay, that was philosophical. Kind of. 
Now I’m wondering about the mosquito – the only living soul in the entire universe amidst this impregnable darkness, besides me. How lonely! But there’s a certain mutual respect we share. She is bobbing here and there at lightening speed, almost like a quantum thingy which Neil Degrasse Tyson has been trying to explain in his shows for centuries. It’s wonderful but annoying. Wow! What an amazing paradox. 

Why the hell am I thinking about a mosquito? Seriously! I could think about anything. Like I could think about Pisa’s leaning tower, that giant phallus on the belly of the earth. I could think about ships and stars, about Dragons and Dinosaurs. But all I’m thinking about is a petty mosquito, who I could squash with a flick. 

I wonder what the mosquito is thinking. Mosquitos think, don’t they? But they think differently from us. No they don’t. It’s amazing to think how they think, though. 

Now I am blank. I could say I saw a nice movie a few hours ago – Monsoon Wedding. I could say the Desi Chinese girl is dating my dumb Manipuri classmate (and now my gang is planning his assassination). I could say how the Mount Zion School reunion plan went down the commode. I could say that my neighbor is head to toe in debt (thanks to poker). I could say many things, but I won’t. I just want to rant. Rant rant rant. 

And yeah, I just squatted the mosquito with my bare hands. And now I am alone, all by myself in this unending blackness, amid this infinite silence. 

Answering a Few Questions #Brotherhood of the World Award

Thank you Miss Last Minute Stuff, for nominating me! lastminutestuff is a blog you’d love because of two reasons – one, she does reviews, which I truly believe is the second most noblest job after adopting orphans, and two, she writes without the orthodoxy of elitist writers, which a precious quality. Also, the post titles are reallllllyyyyyy loooooonnnnnggggg. (You see what I did there? ) 

DO CHECK OUT HER BLOG. 

Okay, the questions now. But before that, let me tell you how much I hate doing question answer sessions. I rarely participate in such activities as they are mostly about sharing quotes or answering lame questions. But this one set was good, so here it goes. 

1. Chicken or pork? Elaborate.

I’d have gone with chicken but I don’t know what pork tastes like. A quick google search promises that pork is the most delicious thing I’d ever put my tongue around, so I assume it’s great. The article is full of people swearing on their totem Gods that pork was the sweetest thing they ever had, and some of them already had Brazilian models, FYI. They then went on to describe how eating pork got them that million dollar deal or showed them the path to enlightenment. I visualised Jesus Christ showing up at their door in the middle of the night and congratulating them for reserving a seat in heaven. 

The thing about pork is I haven’t tasted it yet. So the elusive shit always appears golden, even if it’s shit. About chickens, Doctor could kill for chickens. No, literally. She could commit actual murders if it promised an equivalent amount of free chicken. Even her mobile ringtone is called Rooster Rock. Okay, I just made that up. But you get the picture, right?

So yeah, maybe pork. Maybe. 

2. What are your thoughts on reincarnation? Believer, non-believer, or don’t care? Why?

Exactly the question my neighbor asked me a couple of days ago. I was even going to write a piece about it. The answer is – I don’t believe in it but I fancy it. But at the end of the day, I simply don’t care. 

It’s too irrational to believe. I mean I hear about people claiming that they were Tom, Dick and Peter in previous lives. They also remember stuffs and are surprisingly well versed in ancient languages. There are entire Television series dedicated to them. However, it makes me suspicious. Why none of them is Issac Newton yet? I mean why aren’t great scientists who remember their work well ever reborn? Imagine somebody coming up at BBC and saying, “I’ll begin the Calculus from where I left it. ”

If that happens, I shall believe in reincarnation. Other than that, it’s full of contradictions. In our Hindu Philosophy, we have people being reborn as cows and cows being reborn as people – it all depends on their karma. Well, in present situations it better to be a cow than a human (IYKWIM)
But I fancy it. I’m an artist, so I am full of stupid dreams. I do fancy about my past life – whether I spent it in a palace, in a hut or in a prison. I fancy about my lover, the bewitching wild beauty. I fancy that I was a pale loitering knight through a forest and she was a forbidden angel. She beckoned me to the mountain top and pushed me off the cliff. I fell onto the heap of carcasses,  who were once there and now here. Familiar? Yeah my past life inspired a famous poet. 

3. Which is that one movie/Tv show you have watched infinite times?

I was scrolling through the web to understand infinity. There were huge, complex articles by eminent philosophers and scientists and what was the common underlying message in their works was that infinity is too vast to understand. 

But yeah, I have watched Rockstar infinite times. I mean how can somebody watch it once and then not watch it again and again? That would require a stone-cold heart or a total lack of cerebral intelligence. It’s a melody, it’s a comedy, it’s a tragedy ; it is just so beautiful. 

Heer never really liked Rockstar. I don’t talk to Heer anymore. 

4. Have you had the dream where your teeth are crumbling down? What is the weirdest nightmare you had?

Not exactly. I have had weirdest dreams. I once saw baby Godzilla playing in my street. I have seen ghosts, witches, carcasses, haunted villas, caves, drowning buses, snakes, spiders, my family members dying/dead, Doctor marrying the ugliest thing on planet, myself as a gay man, and even apocalypse. 

I am full of weird shit. In fact, today I saw a nightmare where somebody I didn’t know called me to his place. It was an alley with two floor-houses. But when we went up the stairs, he took me to the third floor. There were about four people there, and he said nobody could see the third floor. There was just one room and inside it were smuggled artefacts. I was both fascinated and frightened. Then I looked out and saw the other third floor on the other side of the road and there was a girl pointing at us. He told me to calm down as they don’t really exist. But then I saw men coming up from other building and kicking our butts because of some earlier feud. Then police came in and we were busted. I didn’t even know those guys. 

5. Do you believe moronism is taking over the world?



Isn’t that obvious? I mean just pause and look around you. People are so stupid, they always have been. There have been a number of wise men but their number has always been an infinitesimal fraction of the moronic population. What has changed in the 21st century is that morons have got a voice. Earlier, language and expressions were the apples of the elite. Laymen had a language which didn’t get circulated fast and well. But today there’s Facebook and there’s twitter so elitist opinion is history now. But the negative effect is that a lot of morons are showing up. And there’s a constant attempt to distort the history, to make it self – aggrandizing, to color it saffron. Nobody seeks the truth, because nobody wants the truth. 

There are dumb annoying people all around. And there’s so much of abuse. Men shaming women, women shaming men. Nobody fights for a reason, everybody fights for himself. And they fight on petty issues, the ones that could be avoided. People are spewing venom and humanity is being stone with every passing day. I am so happy I deactivated Facebook. Not planning to return anytime soon. 

Okay, I am done here. 

Now the formality.

Bloggers I nominate are :

Orange

Gouri

BossLuffy

Swalia

Rohit 

Coolpeppermint

Ricardo

Pedrol

Littlefears

Rules of the Brotherhood of the World Award:
1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.

2. Answer the questions sent to you.

3. Nominate around ten bloggers. Around. 

4. Create your set of questions for your nominees.

5. List the rules and display the Brotherhood of the World logo in your post.
And here are my set of questions for you guys:

1. What’s your best night out story? 

2. Why do you like your favorite song? 

3. If you are given 50 billion dollars, what would you do with it? 

4. In case you have a time machine and only one trip, would you go back or forward in time? Why? 

5. Who were you at the following ages?

 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30

Nominations were a formality. Everybody’s free to answer. If you don’t answer, comment and share this post, Bloody Marry shall visit you at 2:40 am. Just kidding. 

She’ll visit you at 2:45. 

Kidding again. 

Umm…

😂😂 bye bye.