Since I don‘t have a girlfriend or a Jio simcard, I spend my time reading people’s Whatsapp statuses. It’s nowhere close to browsing through the Celeb section of Pornhub, but it’s a fun activity.
The top guy in my contact list goes by the name Abhishek. I am quite sure that in India, there’s at least one Abhishek topping every contact list. And class roll-call register. In our country, Abhishek represents the guy who usually gets fucked at vivas. Anyway, this Abhishek hasn’t updated his status since the Pangean rift. His Timeline says “Available“, which is ironical because the last time he was seen on Whatsapp was 12th May 2015. Now this happens too often in the virtual world – people who show ‘available’ aren’t available at all.
Then comes this guy AK (History) who doesn’t own a DP, or a status. Or wait! Maybe he has blocked me!
This is the first time a boy has blocked me. I have no idea why he did that. Perhaps he is an asshole. Or has a hot sister.
Then there’s AVS – the guy who’s always putting up motivational quotes as if his Timeline is the place the people who direly need a moral boost would first rush to. I wonder if he lives in the illusion that Google would refer people to his Timeline if they punch ‘suicide tips’ on the search box.
Then there’s this girl who hasn’t changed her status for a while. It’s weird because girls usually believe in hourly renewal of status, and so I’m afraid something is wrong. But we are not in touch, so I’m not going to ask her. I hope her boyfriend has a micro penis.
Atif is next. His status says – Hi there! I’m using Whatsapp!
That’s a lie. He doesn’t have a phone. Or a sim card. He’s dead. Probably.
Then there’s this eternally depressed guy whose status always carries a suicidal thought. His quotes usually end with a battery of dots, intended to magnify the agony that’s been crushing him for the past few centuries. Right now it’s – sorry..i quit….
Don’t worry. He’s not dying. He’s just an IIT aspirant.
After that is this childhood friend I haven’t talked to for the last few years. I don’t even know what’s he doing in my contact list. His status says – Never lose yourself trying t….
There are more words, but tapping on his name and reading the full status is a futile task in my opinion. So I’ll move on.
Next comes a hot girl I used to fancy until my mother broke it to me that she was my distant cousin. Busy – says her status. I only care about her DP, to be honest.
Next is the guy with the name Cunthole. I don’t remember his real name. Maybe I’ve blocked him. I can’t see his status.
Then is the lovesick Romeo, followed by a self–proclaimed casanova. Their statuses are as follows :-
1. Love is the best feeling.
2. Girlzz luv mah styylleee.
Then comes this girl I am in love with. So every status she puts up there seems like a secret hidden message for me. It often makes my head spin and so I stalk her status like crazy. Sometimes it hints of she having an affair, and that’s when Kailash Kher bags the top list in my playlist. Right now it’s – Maybe we’ll walk away. Maybe we’ll realize.
I don’t know if that’s hurled at me, because we aren’t together anymore. Neither are we strangers. We’re holding our last strings. Maybe she’s just reading a book and it’s a nice quote.
Stop thinking about her.
Then comes my mother. Happy Diwali – says the status. It won’t change before the New Year, I’m sure.
Then this friend of mine, an orthodox BJP supporter. His DP is Narendra Modi and his status says – I support PM.
My brother. Status – Born to be dead. It has never, never ever, ever ever been changed. He’s also an IIT aspirant.
Then there’s this girl wishing Happy Birthday to Herself.
Another guy with a Ghalib prose.
This girl with a simple quote studded with heavy words.
Senior boasting his smoking stunt.
Nerdy guy with the status – in love with thermodynamics. He’ll die single.
Dumb guy with six dots.
Dumb girl with two smileys.
Another senior with the Robert Frost quote – Miles to go before I sleep. I bet both my kidneys he doesn’t know a thing about Frost. He’s probably copied it from one of the posts in his Facebook timeline.
My status is a single dot.
I remember Doctor had once asked me the meaning of the dot.
I don’t know. Maybe it represents a lack of thought. Or a full stop. Or loneliness.
It entirely depends on the person who’s trying to figure out my status.