Deactivating social media accounts is, these days, the primary response to an emotional crisis. Stressed about exams? Deactivate. Got dumped by the girl? Deactivate. Realised nobody cares? Deactivate. Some do it even without any particular reason. Like my friend Atif.
My friend Atif loves to deactivate. It’s in the “hobby” section of his resumè. Maybe he’s always emotionally unstable, or maybe nobody has told him about the log out button yet.
It all started in 2014, when our board exam was knocking at the door. People had quit watching porn and started concentrating on the syllabus. I’d disposed off the DVDs and stopped filling my diary. Atif was still busy scrolling through timelines.
He deactivated after the result, making a loud, silly resolution – I’m not coming back for the next two years. He also resolved to stop masturbating.
He failed the XII board exam.
Those who are in love often do it to express something. Deactivating the account is somehow meant to impart a message to the world. Or else, you could have sulked in silence.
Then, there are studious guys who visit Facebook on annual basis. They’d update their DP, check a few profiles, wish somebody a happy birthday, and go back to anonymity. Their visits are mostly nocturnal. What’s the point of having an account at all?
I’ve often resorted to this method of social alienation. It doesn’t help in my case. I have a teeming circle of friends up there. Plus, there are hot girls. So, deactivating only aggravates my woes. If somebody pisses me off, I block him. Like this one girl who kept sending me romantic couplets despite my clear resistance. It felt like an assault, and so I blocked her. Then, when I’m sad, I upload a drawing or something. When people like it, I feel happy.
In October 2015, Heroine bet me 500 rupees if I deactivated for a month. I was so excited about the 500 rupee note, I deactivated with a wide smile on my face. I lasted for exactly 14 hours.
Recently, Atif sent me a friend request. His old id has been permanently deleted.
“Suggest me a few hot girls. “He said.
I told him to wait for five minutes and deactivated my account.