Stand Up!

Things you’d need in an Indian movie theatre –
1. Popcorn 2. Pepsi and 3. A LAWYER.

Read on.

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Reading news is actually a pain in the ass. There are so many bad, horrible things happening all around the world all the time that a scroll through the UC news portal can push you to depression. Then, when things aren’t that bad, the creative media blokes make sure they do sound bad. They adopt judgemental and biased views, label every situation a reminder of Dark Ages, and exaggerate the number of dead bodies recovered from a disaster site. So when I came across the news headline – Supreme Court makes it Mandatory for Theatres to Play the National Anthem before the Start of the Movie – I thought it was a bluff. 

Then, the next day, the headline was – 6 arrested for not standing up during the National Anthem. I ignored it.

Yesterday, the headline was – Arrest count goes up to 24.

I was beginning to believe this piece of shit. So I decided to enquire. I googled and checked on a dozen news portals, and what I learnt was appalling. It was true. People were being ARRESTED for not standing up while Jan Gan Man was going on on the screen. And Supreme Court had demanded people to stand up and show respect to the anthem. I could imagine the plight of the guys in the dark corners of the hall, who had just come to make out with their girlfriends, now standing with their stiff cocks recalling Bhagat Singh throwing grenades in the Central Legislative Assembly of 1929. I imagined the fear of a disabled guy whose legs didn’t work anymore. I imagined the sheer hatred in the eyes of people who stood up for those who didn’t. It was insane. 

I don’t know why supreme court doubts our patriotism. Be it World Cups or be it Wars, Indians have always stood together in solidarity, cheering for the Indians fighting for them. No amount of show off can replace those honest, fearless cheers, those throat raking screams of triumph and that common burning rage against the enemy. If you have to check the magnitude of patriotism, walk in a stadium and watch people’s faces that undergo a myriad of expressions with every tick of the clock. Watch it when people flood the road with banners and candles, walking for the soldiers mutilated on the border, demanding a solid backfire. Watch the unity and the respect where you should. Not at the cinema halls. Not where it’s not required. 

I wonder what the next step would be. Hoist a Tiranga in every shop? Read Bipin Chandra for JEE? Name all your kids Bhaarat Kumar? 

cliparts.co

With this senseless decision, Supreme Court establishes again that it’s being run by toothless rheumatic grey haired morons who should have died with the dinosaurs. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with the Supreme Court of India!?? 

For them, homosexuality is a criminal offence but Marital Rape isn’t. And the only way to promote patriotism is to force people to stand up during the national anthem. Then why not do it before every goddamn occasion? Before every court proceeding? Before every school assembly? Before every Flipkart purchase? Before every piss you take or every burp you let? 

I think it will be quite patriotic to sing the national anthem before having sex. Sing Jan Gan Man before deciding whether it’ll be doggystyle or lap dance today. Fantastic! You need patriotism everywhere. 

I imagined people peacefully sitting on their toilet seats, defecating with sighs of relief. The morning is hopeful and serene, with occasional chirrups of the birds. And suddenly, Jan Gan Man pervades the atmosphere. The patriotic men will stand up and salute, their buttocks layered with their own shit trickling down the skin for full 52 seconds. But their faces will glow like the fortnight moon, as they would take tremendous pride in the nation and the national anthem. 

Jai Ho!

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