This year has been a funny affair. There’s a battery of battles I won and lost, and a myriad of things I learnt about myself and the world. As we say in history, it, perhaps, was the mesolithic period of my life. I won’t get into details, because I’m listening to this beautiful song ‘Mahi’ by Hadiqa Kiani, and it has captivated all of my brain. I can’t really spool back into the past right now.
So instead, I’ll provide a short review of the whole year.
January – Fell in love. What a way to start a year, right? It was amazing, now that I think about it, like those small packs of Dairy Milk my mother bought for me on rare occasions. January was beautiful, warm and passionate.
February – It was brutal cold. Steely and ruthless. I flunked the remock. NIFT exam didn’t go well. Board exam was knocking at my goddamn door. And I had no idea what to do with my life. Life became tough.
March – Worse than ever. Exams went horrible. Nostalgia lumped my throat all the time. The streets of Ranchi had never been so precious to me before. It was a phase of depression. Everybody was leaving. It felt like somebody lifted my globe and hurled it on the floor with brute force, shattering it into a million sharp, uneven pieces. I was trying to gather everything in my memory. Everything from day 1.
April – Left Ranchi. Stayed in Patna for a fortnight. Studied 3D modelling for NIFT exam part II. It was stupid. I had no idea what I was doing among those living mannequins. Came home and it was heavenly.
May – Left home. Set my first foot on the paved floor of Delhi. It was so revolting. Stupid town that city is. Took the BHU UET, making every effort to flunk the exam. I should have left the answer sheet blank, but I was aiming at an aggregate negative score. So I attempted every question.
June – Appeared for BMS entrance test. Results appeared. And I didn’t make it to any. Rotted in silence at my uncle’s house. It was like living among zombies.
July – DU cutoffs were making me nuts. I was hopeless beyond consolation. I was making plans to quit or drop. But then, one day, in a moment of impulsiveness, I chose to apply for History hons.
August – Good times started. Visited the museum and saw Water show at Akshardham. Things were going well in life and it seemed it would get better from this point.
September – Fought with people and was mostly depressed. People noticed and praised my artworks. However, the unprecedented popularity and fame didn’t enthrall me. I felt like JJ from Rockstar, all hollow and burning, exactly how I’d always wanted. But it wasn’t anything heroic or glorious. It was unbearable. It was suffocating.
October – I had never been so alone before. I had nobody to talk to. Not one single person. I wouldn’t have needed anybody before, but this time, novels didn’t interest me. My pencils were heavier than before. I had nothing to do. I felt deserted and forgotten. I’d have talked to anyone, even a tree. I kept scrolling through my inbox hoping to see a message, anything at all.
November – I came to understand the workings of the world. How everything is driven by a sense of selfishness. How humans are capable of burying the past. How shallow and plastic this floodlit effervescent world is. To pour piss into my wounds, Narendra Modi screwed the currency.
December – As I stepped out of the bus and inhaled the icy air of my city, I felt alive again. All I could see was a bloodless opaque fog, but even so, home had never looked more beautiful before.