My neighbours are batshit crazy about making money through gambles. Every once in a while, when I’m peacefully sprawled in my bed, my head buried under the pillow, my brain tangled in the fantasies of the Kumkum Bhagya actress, horrible, high-pitched giggles of my neighbours and their gang makes me want to dig a hole till I reach the other side of the planet. Their weekly visit is partly annoying and partly amusing. Even though I never get to witness the events directly, I’m later informed about everything that happens in the lighted chamber, inside those nightmarish purple walls. They play poker and my neighbours usually go penniless by the end.
The Kota Guy (half Virgo-half Leo) walks into my room, carrying a sullen face, and tells me how much he lost.
“Your brother lost 200 today. “He says, and I make a sympathetic face, wondering if he’s come to borrow some money so that he could play the next game. Then he starts explaining the game, all those complicated rules and intricate stuffs, and all my sympathy evaporates and how I wish little flying angles existed so that I could call them to puncture my eardrums. Even though I feel bad for him, I want him to carry on, because there’s nothing more amusing than people losing at gambles.
But he isn’t the worst hit. His ex-roomie (Cancer) wears the worst luck in the history of mankind. If he were any more unfortunate, people would have called him Titanic. He loses at almost all the gambles, and when he wins, it’s a meagre amount that won’t buy him more than a few packets of chips even on an Amazon lightening deal.
“Well, you could recover it. Just have a bet against your ex-roommate. “I suggest, and the Kota Guy’s eyes are lit up like stars. There’s a sly smile on his face, so evilish that if you had a baby you would never leave it alone with him.
“I could do that. ” He says, grinning at the anticipation.
And then there’s a bet on the next IPL match and he wins quite a fortune and all his poker losses are recovered and all his drawers are full of money and everyone is happy and rich. Except the ex-roommate.
As my risk taking instincts are reserved to chess, and as I am quite fond of my money, I don’t gamble. For the sake of my amusement, I have assumed the role of fortune teller, which basically involves tricking people with calculations and some gibberish talks about jupiter and moon and fuckturns rotating over their mars. The Kota Guy often seeks my advice regarding the players he should choose for the bet. I pretend to possess some otherworldy intelligence, and check out ten websites to study the horoscopes of the potential players. In the end I pretend that I’ve undergone a thorough analysis and choose whichever player I like because even otherworldy intelligent people like me don’t have the capability to decipher the jargon of astrology. These accounts are written to make you go berserk, and when you are done with their confounding bullshit, they give you a mobile number for direct conversation asking you to pay a nominal amount which is five times more than what the ex-roomate has ever made at weekly pokers.
Once, the Kota Guy visited another friend, and seeked his advice regarding the players he should choose for the bet. The players went out for ducks, and he lost half a million dollars and went pauper.
Usually the match would begin and half the players chosen by the Kota Guy would be out by the powerplay. The other guy would have only one player in this team and he would go on to make centuries and break records till 20 overs are bowled. He had a whole list in his phone, showing his + income and his – income and for every 50 rupees he won, he would usually have a – amount of 600.
Well, the basic rule in betting is that you have to rely on your own choices. If you keep on seeking advice, you’re testing someone else’s choices.
The Kota Guy got that in the end. And he won and won and won till he recovered all his losses, made profits and got filthy rich.
Then, he lost again.
The ex-roommate has stopped betting.
They still partake in the Dream 11 bets though. The Kota Guy bagged rank number 59000 yesterday. He won a grand cash prize of five rupees. I was about to congratulate him, but later when they revealed that the entry fee was double that price, I let it go.
I keep on suggesting them Shree Dhan Lakshmi Yantra, available at a discounted price on snapdeal.com but they never listen to me.
I suggested one to my mother and she has been pestering my father for the last few months. My father keeps a poker face. He says we’ve already got 4 laughing Budhdhas, and if those can’t bring fortune, nothing can.
She’s definitely not going to be rich for a while now.
I have started playing Bluff with my neighbours. They said it was a good game, and since I had to borrow GOT and I was in no position to bargain, I played a few times.