Friends are the most non-violent robbers you’ll ever get to see. Meet them after a long long time, accidentally wear the same pants which have your wallet in the back pocket, and rest assured you’re returning back home half naked. I have a bunch of friends – all of them greedy gourmands who eat like Burmese Pythons. I remember being robbed for their hungry stomachs and thirsty lungs, when the money that I didn’t know existed was pulled out, as if by magic, from my back pocket and they gave me the look you get when you don’t show answers to your friend in a GATE paper. I was surprised and I swore I had no money when I left the house and it wasn’t my money at all, and then I wanted my money back.
“Which money? “They asked. Needless to say, I never saw that pretty bill after that.
They bought cigarettes and samosas, and mint flavoured chewing gums to cover up the smell. Then they looked for a safe spot so that they don’t get caught by their relatives who for some inexplicable reasons could be hanging around behind our backs, following us with binoculars.
They found the man made caves behind the stands, littered by significant amount of dog shit, bat shit, goat shit and human shit, smelling of hell. After smoking enough cigarettes that would kill a hummingbird instantly, they marched proudly towards me. I wondered if I should tell them about the dangers of smoking, but didn’t they know already?
Anyway, somebody gets robbed in our group almost everyday. Abhishek was once caught with a few bucks he would have fed his scooter with. Poor guy ended up feeding us. Then, Bumbum and Mama had to feed a dozen people once, because they wore jeans and had wallets in their pockets. I have started meeting my friends in bumchums, as a precautionary measure, now. They point out that my buttocks are sexy and I tell them to go fuck themselves. Despite the sleazy comments, it’s way better than being disrobed of your monetary possessions.
Some people, like Atif, get robbed voluntarily. You’d expect him to refuse a treat because he could barely manage a 60% or so in the Boards, but that guy just throws you off every single time.
“Eat whatever you want. Only 35% students have passed. I’m in the superior minority. “He said, and so PC ordered a chicken roll for himself while I had to pretend to be happy with a veg burger in my mouth. Why is veg burger even a thing? 😑
Atif is such a positive guy, he gives treats for absolutely no reason. I remember that sweltering noon of May when he rode his brakelss, bellless bicycle all the way from Navaratna Hata – which is so far you could send a letter there and wait for his grandchildren to grow up and receive it from the immortal trash talking postman of our area – just to give me a treat.
“Want some Kachodi? “He asked, his forehead a Niagara Falls of sweat.
“What are you upto? “I asked and told my parents I was going out. My mother reminded me of how I never accompany her to the market but always fool around with stupid friends of mine in the hot humid summer.
There‘s a pattern people follow. There’s a method to rob your friends. You have to be alert as ACP Pradyumn and clever as those blokes in Pawn Shop. You have to analyse and execute it like CIA. The target is wearing good pair of pants. There are two bumps in his pocket, one of them is phone and the other one is wallet. Now you have to talk about how you’re hungry and how there’s a heartless bastard in the group who never spends a penny for our welfare. And with some more tactics you finally get to munch on nice food.
It doesn’t work on my friend Churan though. He has never ever given a treat. He doesn’t even reveal his birthday because that would mean feeding a colossal crowd. No, people, he doesn’t live in a shack. He is quite rich, if you call somebody who changes mobile phones every six months rich, and he just got a decent rank in IIT.
“What’s in a treat. Just let me get the admission. “He says. Earlier, he used to say,
“What’s in a treat. Just let me get a decent rank. ”
I was supposed to be on a strict diet this summer. But food is food, after all. I ended up eating more than a hundred sweets, more than fifty samosas, twenty burgers and an insane amount of panipuree. Also the cheap coke you get in dixie cups. See, fitness is another thing, but living in a lodge, away from my parents, I have learnt one thing – Never ever say no to Free Food.
Anyway, almost all of us have started wearing bumchums now. Even Churan.
And I’m leaving in 3 days. So back to another life. This holiday was fun….