Writing blogs when you are 4 days away from your exams is an Ongbak level stunt. At the same time, it’s secretly exhilarating, like murdering your thickhead uncle who keeps dropping at your head monotonus career advices. I’m not that concerned this time though, and that’s the reason why I have been busy picking literary devices from a friend’s English assignment question yesterday. Euphemism is when you say I’d miss the boat instead of I’d flunk in exams. I’d study religiously for the next 4 days is a Hyperbole.
Anyways, I am writing this to tell you about my neighbor’s aka flatmate’s aka The Kota Guy’s latest stunt. He is the queer man you tell your grandkids about, his queer-ness queer-y enough to stretch their eyes wider than Kardashiyan butthole. After the date debacle, he’s sort of gone bonkers. I had been badgering him to watch Gangs of Wasseypur as there never was a gangster movie before or after, that has surpassed the swag pinnacle touched by this movie. I have never seen a gangster movie so gangster. I mean when people told me Godfather was the greatest gangster movie ever made, I watched it and later had to google why the fuck it was the greatest gangster movie. I mean the marriage scene lasted for probably half the movie. Dumb people. But when I saw Gangs of Wasseypur I was mindblown and speechless.
But needless to say, my neighbor wasn’t convinced. He is the guy who keeps half a dozen movies in his phone but never watches them until they rust into flakes. And he is the guy who watches the whole movie forwarding and jumping scenes before watching it in one go. And he likes to give away spoilers of the movies he’s already watched. Basically, he is the guy you’d rather discuss integrals with.
But boy a boy! Did he go nuts after watching Gangs of Wasseypur! All he has done since then is watched the movie on loop. He keeps singing Chi Cha Leather and Electric Piya all the time. He even practices Rajkumar Rao’s steps in isolation.
“Barbossa, “he says, “people are so stupid. They travel to stupid places. I want to go to Bihar. ”
The other day he was asking me if I had a pistol or something in my cupboard. When I gave him a quizzical look, he shrugged his shoulders and said,
“Biharis are dangerous people. ”
I took it as a compliment and decided not to ruin the respect the movie was fetching me.
“I want to be a goon. “He said dreamily, as if he was wishing for candies. I wondered if I should shake him to reality. But then, I remembered Apple-philosophy and realized consciousness is complicated and realities can be warped and so I should probably not give a fuck.
About Apple-philosophy? Well, if there’s a fruit philosophers love, it’s apple. Like a mad scientist’s poor cat, apples are the victims of thought experiments. So there’s a question – if an apple is consumed does it cease to be an apple? Now, it may seem like a child’s play, but if you look deeper, the question gets extremely bewildering. Aristotle is much like this 9 year old cousin of mine, who believes his shoes are actually dwarf cows.
“What make it a shoe?” That little rug asked me when I told him it was a shoe and not a cow. Now I could have given him a little smack on the temple and he’d have agreed it was a shoe, but I chose to be a good influence and explained to him that cows have horns and a tail.
“Just because my cow don’t have tail and horns don’t make it shoe. “He argued and ran away with his cow, I mean shoe. I was left puzzled.
Is it a shoe, I wondered. Or it’s a cow? What do we call a cow who’s lost the tail and the horns? At what point does a cow stop being a cow?
I never disturbed the kid again.
Anyway, all my neighbors friends have watched the movie and they flock in the hall and rehearse profane dialogs. The scenes are discussed in great details, as if the movie is a central theme of their research paper. They keep interrogating their Bihari friends if they know gangsters.
I wondered if I should cook up gangster stories and tell them but then it dawned upon me that I do care about exams and so I let them rot in their gangster debauchery and shifted my focus to agrarian expansion of early medieval India.