I was having a good time watching a 90 year old woman talk about Paleolithic cleavers when my phone pinged. And pinged again. And kept pinging as if all it wanted was to replace that godforsaken doll in the next instalment of Anabelle franchise. I picked it up and found my notification toggle flooded with Facebook notifications. Sometimes, technology is more annoying than groin itch. It seemed like my friends had tagged me to a post. Maybe it was related to drawing or something. Or maybe – because I’ve studied commerce for 2 years – GST.
Tag that Friend Who Masturbates 6 times a Day.
I read from the screen.
I scrolled down and there I was, among the crowd of people tagged by my friends. It is important to mention here that I have a total of 6 friends. Anyway, there also was this guy I barely know, who I’ve met just twice, and who shamelessly tagged me there as if my Fap counts were displayed every night on CNN IBN. I was kind of pissed off with this guy. More than that, I was pissed off with the post itself and the drastically unemployed, retarded fuck acting as the admin of that page. I thought about his insignificant life, about the time the world would end and he wouldn’t be given a seat in the Ark because he annoyed the hell out of too many people. It felt so good imagining him disappear beneath the cracking earth with a scream I can’t even tell.
This thing has started to trend these days. It’s become the worst social media epidemic of all time. Every time you log in your news feed is full of posts asking you to tag your friends. Tag that friend who is a dork. Tag that friend who has violet hair. Tag that friend who’d marry Dhinchak Pooja. Tag that friend who’s dead. What the hell.
Recently, I was tagged into this explain GST post as well. I wrote a long essay on GST and tagged all those people who had tagged me. They didn’t even like my post. On one hand, there are people launching hundreds of satellites into the space, on the other, there are dorks whose highest achievement of the day is to tag a friend. This explains why there’s an aggregate IQ deficit in India. Look at Chinese people, you’d never see a Sang-Pung-Ming tagging his friend to such posts, and even if there’s a Sang-Pung-Ming doing so he’d be a Manipuri guy.
This country needs a serious reform. This country needs to get rid of dumb people. These are the same people who’d spend all day tagging people and then go on to blame the education system, the government and Ekta Kapoor for their miserable life. It just gets on my nerves. This country right now needs an Adolf Hitler more than anything. There’s an urgent necessity for an ethnic cleansing, the ethnic group being the assholes who should not have a Facebook account.
It’s not just about tagging people, a whole community of educated morons has popped up on social media. These people have rigid opinions with no knowledge to back with. These people take sides and believe that the existence of people on the other side is as fruitless as a pest. If you praise something Modi did, you’re a Bhakt. If you praise Shashi Tharoor, you’re corrupt and maybe you had a part in commonwealth scams. If you admire Manish Shishodia’s works for Delhi, you’re just a retard. And you can’t switch sides. No, sir, never. If you do you’re a whore. If you’ve liked an SRK movie, don’t you dare to praise Bajrangi Bhaijan. If you’re a Kohli fan, get the fuck out of Dhoni camp. These communities keep on clashing on Facebook for no reason. Dhoni and Kohli don’t even give a monkey’s twat about you guys.
Then they’ll read a stupid blog fuelling their own prejudices and write a verbose blog about Why Gandhi was a Real Villain or Why Men are Real Dicks in Society and How Posting the Photo Of Cleavage on Instagram Empowers Women. I’m graduating in History hons, people, and you’re a fucking KIITian. I am closer to Gandhi than you are. My entire semesters are dedicated to doing elaborate researches on these personalities. Last semester, I had a whole paper on Ambedkar. So I know if these people were villains or not, because I have spent six months browsing through hundreds of sources to understand them, and not just one random hate post which intensified my personal qualms and so I wrote a post to seek attention where I should have just drawn a pencil sketch of a screw or something instead.
Then, the extremists. Fuck them as well. Fuck Arnub Goswami. Fuck Arundhati Roy. Fuck Ajay Gautam. Fuck Owaisi. Ugghhh. There are so many people I want to send to Hong Kong on a one way flight.
I hate social media. I loathe people who tag me. And I don‘t masturbate 6 times a day. If you really wanted to know.