My flatmate, the Kota Guy, is seeing a girl these days. Today they went on a date. Or whatever it was.
Let me give you a nice little prologue here. A few days ago, he dropped in my room and began telling me about this girl on whatsapp who wouldn’t blink an eye before forty billion Goodnight exchanges.
“I went to sleep at 4 in the morning. “He said. His eyelids were the first victims of a freshly brewing love story.
It reminded me of Heer, so I told him about her. No personal details, just the story. Five minutes into it and he was bawling with laughter. I narrate my tragedies very well I guess. It wasn’t even that funny, I mean you already know how shit happens, you just have to add humour to it.
“Did you get something in the end? “He asked, seemingly excited. He meant if I fucked her.
“We kissed. “I said, “on her ex-anniversary. ”
God! Is that even a word!?
He gave me a puzzled look, so I told him about the shit that happened on 19th February 2016.
He told me he was going to meet his whatsapp girl soon. And that he really wanted to fuck somebody.
“You could go to Qutub Minar. Nice romantic place. “I suggested, imagining Heer and myself plodding through the quiet graveyards.
“It’s very far. “He said the other day.
“It’s worth going. “I said, “You don’t have to worry. It closes at 5 pm. No safety issue. ”
He didn’t seem too happy about it.
“I’ve asked her for a night out. Chances are less that she’ll accept, though. “He said. “We shall go to CP, probably. ”
Ah, the CP. Such a shame people would choose those glitzy blocks in place of beautiful rotting monuments. I mean you can go have your pretentious little dinner in an air-conditioned hall with fancy tables and fancier walls, but you can never feel the love you do while walking under the bowers that have witnessed a million love stories for more than 800 years..
If I ever go out with a girl again, it will be these royal ruins where we shall head to.
Anyway, my flatmate did go on a date, that’s what I thought when he left the flat. I had already given him a few do’s and don’t’s, and he had repeatedly said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
“Tell me, Barbossa, how can I ask for sex on the first date? “He had asked. I imagined him in a little box on Republic tv, already branded anti-national and anti-women and anti-matter and anti-whatever by Arnab Goswami.
I was sick of writing assignments so I thought I should have some fun. I googled dating tips for men and sent him half a dozen screenshots and links.
Then, I went back to doing my assignments.
He dropped in in the evening, and said,
“She almost saw that shit. ” referring to my messages.
“How did it go? “I asked. He began looking for a word to describe the experience, however, couldn’t come up with anything satisfying.
“I saw the tips. And I realised I was doing exactly the opposite of what men are supposed to do on dates. ”
“Did you crack some jokes? “I asked.
“Yeah. Lame ones. “He said.
“Like I told her have you ever wondered that CP sounds like ‘see pee’? ”
He told her what!
“Oh my God! That’s terrible. “I said, shell-shocked.
“That’s what she said. ”
“I mean it’s so terrible that..that…ughh it’s not even a joke, it’s a joke’s death. “I retched and laughed for a solid 15 minutes, wondering if the girl would ever go out with him again.
“The worst part is that I had practised that joke. ”
“And when she asked me if I played sports, I told her I play chidiya ud. ”
I nearly fell off my chair laughing. I wanted to ask him if he got laid, but I thought I already knew the answer. He laughed too.
“What did you guys talk about? ”
“The same shit as yours. About her ex-boyfriend. “He said, “She kept telling me about this ex-boyfriend of hers she was very good friends with. They dated for about 3 years and stuff. Then she told me about this cute boy she dated yesterday. ”
At this, I sprang off my chair.
“Dated when? ”
“Yesterday. She said he was a cute boy. “He said.
“Oh my God. “I looked at him with wide-opened eyes, “I thought nothing could nullify your lame jokes but this so does. ”
I asked him if he was sure they were on a date and he shrugged his shoulders. Poor guy! Now I knew for sure they didn’t fuck. Had the Kota Guy followed my advice and took her to Qutub Minar and saved himself from being an unfunny comedian, he would have definitely scored. Hell, I had sent him stepwise guides to approach a woman. There was guaranteed success at the end of it. People don’t listen to my advice. Disappointing people.
“After a point, I didn’t even know what I was doing. I felt like a dumb person. She said she had never been to CP but she kept showing me the shops and lanes. Starbucks, Cafe Coffee Day, big words. Those fuckers charge 40 bucks for water. Can you imagine? ”
I could. Even though I am generally poor, I am familiar with the 40 bucks water thing.
“I ate chicken, though. It costed 260 bucks. “He groaned.
“It was bad I suppose. ”
“Barbossa, I will have to work on my jokes. “He said. “Chuck it. I will ask her directly if she is interested in fucking. We had a little sex chat, by the way. ”
Okay, that got me hooked. I asked him to elaborate the whole conversation and he said,
“She asked me if I knew they played porn at Rajeev Chowk metro station a few months ago. ”
I puckered my face to show my disgust. That’s not what you call a sex chat. Hell, that’s not even an information. That’s…that’s just shit.
I wondered if I should suggest him a cigarette date, but then, decided against it. Some things are better kept secret.
(Have I ever told you about this world-famous cigarette date I went on?)
Anyway, the date, or whatever it was, was an epic disaster. And as my flatmate confessed, the chicken was more pleasing than the chic. And also, if you’re really interested, he did not get laid.