It was final that I was going to Shimla when my mother told me that she was not like other moms who’d stop their kids from going places. In addition to that, she asked me to be a brave boy and not deny myself such life-changing opportunities. To crown it all, she sent me 5000 rupees to buy a shirt and a brand new shoe. I mean where do you find such mommies?
“You see how good a mother I am. I am sending you to Shimla. You should not forget this when I’m old. Buy me a nice pair of glasses and take me to America. Since I was a kid, I wanted to take selfies with white people. ”
“When you were a kid, there were no mobile phones. “I reminded her, about which she thought for a moment, and said in a flat, non-apologetic tone,
“You also have to repay the 20 lakh loan I took for our new home. ”
My intellectual friend came to my room one afternoon and we began shopping on Myntra. Buying a shirt had never felt so confuzzling before. I am one of those guys who’d go to a sale and say, ‘light blue shirt’ and come home with the first one thrown at him. I often imagine myself suited up like George Clooney, but as you should have already known by now, I imagine a lot.
The problem with buying clothes to impress others is that you have to go through a lot of Maths. Something you like would either be too pricey or would have bad reviews or would demand delivery charges that could buy three large underwears at Palika Bazaar. We scrolled through hundreds of shirts, and my intellectual friend started using salesman jargons – chinese collar, SMXXL – so I felt kind of dozy. While buying shoes I looked for a pair of blue casuals with holes on the sides – because my intellectual friend had those – but it went over budget so I dropped the idea of holes.
The package arrived early and I wondered if I was excited or not. I mean yeah, I had clothes and footwear and girls would rise from their graves to shriek with ecstasy for such a deal, but they were just clothes and footwear. I mean the best things happen when you’re rather naked. Or dressed in latex.
So yeah, shopping was done, and by the morning, Neta was ready to join in. He had been throwing tantrums since the beginning, however, we were able to convince him. We told him that there would be lots of Bhojpuri songs and woofers, and that was it.
So everybody slept in the noon – except me of course – and in the evening they flocked at my doorstep, right when I began wondering if I should catch some sleep. I borrowed a press and watched YouTube tutorials on pressing clothes and realised things are not so easy in real life as they make it seem on youtube.
We then went to the college – after everybody agreed that we shall not overeat (as the bus was to go in circles at an altitude) and then we overate because the Military Man’s lunch was delicious as heaven – and found hot girls wearing hot dresses and waiting near the parking. Okay, that was a positive side.
But to be honest, I was kind of toey and miffed with the idea of me being in Shimla. I am not that wild wolf who tears through snowy pine forests, I’m a wise old tortoise who imagines he’s a wild wolf that tears through snowy pine forests. I can picture a lot of things – and for a long time this philosophical question has peplexed me :-
If you can imagine an apple’s color, shape, texture, taste and every other quality, is it worth to actually eat that apple?
Anyways, with time there were more and more people showing up and it became difficult to accommodate everybody. I just wanted a window seat in the front. And I would bury myself in my blanket and pretend to be dead.
The bus showed up at around 11. Before that there was a full-on baaraati dance, and people shook as if they were dying of electrocution. Senior girls were making sultry moves with their rotund assses and it was kind of intoxicating. As the bus honked at the gate, we charged like wild wolves. I was able to capture a window seat. I took out a Feviquick and stuck my ass right there.
Next, people started filling in. And it was crowded and suffocating. The couple in front of me was busy massaging their feet with odomos. I wondered if they also had condoms inside their bags. There are lot of places in Shimla where you can do some jiffy-stiffy jig-jig.
The bus moved after a few million years. First the college vanished behind me, and then the lights and the bridges, and then I stopped looking back, wondering when the cities would stop and the mountains would begin.
To be contd….